Songs For Cynics

by Roulston & Young

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about

Comic songs from UK comedy song writing partnership Roulston & Young

credits

released July 28, 2013

Written & performed by Michael Roulston & Sarah-Louise Young.
Photography & design by Justin David. www.justindavid.co.uk

www.facebook.com/roulstonandyoung

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about

Michael Roulston UK

Michael Roulston is a composer, accompanist, arranger and actor-musician with a passion for cabaret.

www.michaelroulston.co.uk

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Track Name: Cabaret Bore
I can tell you all the secrets of the original Black Cat
And I channel Marlene Dietrich by donning a top hat 
My voice has got so manly it couldn't get any lower 
And I'm never full dressed without a giant feather boa 

All my songs are awfully laboured, played in a gloomy key
I devote them to my lovers but I sing them just for me
I can fill a room each time I mount my ‘Unknown Divas’ show
But the only paying fans are people I already know

I'm a cabaret bore 
Yes I have to confess 
There isn't much more 
To me than a little black dress 
And my ego 
A whole lot of ego

I sacrifice myself each night I always die on stage
I open up my heart to you but lie about my age
After hearing sixteen ballads, you’ll be racing for the door
I reinterpret pop-songs, it’s never been done before

I'm a cabaret bore 
Yes I have to confess 
There isn't much more 
To me than a little black dress 
And my ego
Have I mentioned my ego?

Gay boys and lonely women 
Say my songs help them to cope 
Cause if I can make a living 
Then Christ anyone has hope (key change)

To be a cabaret bore 
I will never go away
It’s your duty to adore me
And to worship what I say
About my ego
Well what do you know?
More than Gary Barlow
Is this still the intro?
Let’s get on with the show
Track Name: Let's Not Fall In Love
Let’s not say I love you
Let’s not get poetic and gush
Let’s not swear to be true
Don’t give me that mush
Let’s be moody and mysterious
No pet names and if you’re serious
Cut the bill and coo
Let’s not say I love you

Let’s not be so polite
Let’s not feel we have to play nice
Let’s not hold back the spite
Live life on thin ice
Let’s be cagey and contemptuous
Keep romance rough and tempestuous
Give me a good fight
Let’s not be so polite

Don’t write me cheques that your heart cannot cash
Or promise tomorrow, it’s gone in a flash
Let’s live for today
And don’t let minor infidelities get in the way

Let’s not share everything
Let’s not feel we have to combine
Let’s not cosset or cling
What’s yours isn’t mine
Let’s be vague about our history
Hide your exes, keep some mystery
Let’s do our own thing
Let’s not share everything

Instrumental

Let’s be carefree, unconventional
My love is not two dimensional
Just enjoy the fling
I don’t need no ring
I’m praying to God above
Let’s not fit hand in glove
Take a rifle and shoot that turtle dove
And baby, let’s not fall in love
Track Name: I'm Fine
There’s a marvellous expression
That is often overheard
To make a good impression
Try this one-size-fits-all word
It has thousand helpful uses
If you’ve nothing better planned
No need to make excuses
When you have it close at hand

It’s…fine, it’ fine
No really, it’s fine
Avoid a nasty schism
Employ this euphemism
Just say…

You’re out on a date
They’ve texted they’re late
But you’re happy to wait
Since you’ve already paid for the wine
‘It’s fine’

It’s a quarter to eight
You’re getting irate
So you order the skate
Which arrives over-done at half nine
‘It’s fine’

Now they’re clearing your plate
And you’re brimming with hate
Where the hell is your mate?
You’re still sitting alone in a suit you’ve been wearing since dawn and quite frankly you feel that they’re crossing a line
It’s fine

It’s fine, it’s fine
No really, it’s fine
It truly doesn’t matter
Just have the seafood platter
Just say…

When you trip in the street
And fall head over feet
In some unset concrete
And your arse leaves an abstract design
It’s fine

You rise from your seat
Now you’re white as a sheet
People laugh and they Tweet
And you find you’re a big hit online
It’s fine

You’re crushed with defeat
Turning red as a beet
As you bid your retreat
The crowd cheer and take photos, it’s not til you’re home that you notice you’re splattered and sprayed like a Roy Lichtenstein
It’s fine

It’s fine, it’s fine
No really, I’m fine
I may be bruised and battered
But in a way I’m flattered
Just say…

When you see an old flame
And you still feel the same
But he can’t place your name
As he asks you to meet Caroline
It’s fine

You are out of the frame
And you’re blushing in shame
And you want to exclaim
‘Get your hands off you bitch, he’s still mine’
It’s fine

You make jokes but they’re lame
Then you both play the game
Where you try to shift blame
About who lost the dog that you raised from a pup til he left like your love when it withered and died on the vine
He’s probably fine

It’s fine, it’s fine
No really, we’re all fine
They’re perfect for each other
She looks just like his mother
We’re all fine
It’s just a sweet expression
Of my passive aggression
Life’s so, we’re both, I’m just – cup of tea anyone? - fine
Track Name: I Play Around
Remember last November you were busy doing Panto
I struck up a conversation with a blonde who sings belle canto
And she asked me if I’d like to spend an evening…by her side

We played all night
She sang Mozart and Puccini, she wore flip-flops and a bikini
And in the morning when we finished she said, “thank you”!
She held me, took my business card, and we both cried

I play around (what?)
I play around (Do I know her?)
I feel so ashamed (This is so unlike you)
But I play around (Well if it just once)

At first I was elated, but soon it escalated
When she recommended me to all her musical friends
And then before I knew it there was a karaoke orgy
I sat fingering a bumper book of show tunes (I felt really dirty. But I couldn’t stop)

I played for trios and ensembles, and a tribute to The Wombles
Orinoco flowed along with the champagne
And although I felt unstable when the cash was on the table
I felt compelled to do it all again

I play around (I can’t believe it)
I play around (how many people exactly?)
I still feel ashamed (The Wombles?)
But I still play around (We’ve got a show to do here)

And though we love playing this wonderful show
For these wonderful people out there
Maybe if you’d shown me that I mattered to you
I wouldn’t have looked elsewhere

I play around (so it’s my fault now is it?)
I play around (after everything I’ve done for you)
I feel unclean (I’ve given you the best years of my career)
But I still play around (you dirty, dirty, dirty)

I didn't mean to hurt you
I hope you understand
Everybody wants me
And it's getting out of hand
My diary is bulging
I can't take it any more
Last week a critic called me
‘An overexposed ubiquitous piano-playing whore’

S: Please don’t cry Michael. It’s ugly. I think you’ve been punished enough

Just always use protection, so you don’t get an infection
Or pick up filthy habits where you’ve played
We can work this out together, after all we’re friends forever
Provided you don’t mind not getting paid (what?)
Come home Michael, you’re my magic fingered fella
Without you I am nothing, I’m just singing a cappella
Come home Michael, I need you please believe me
I’ll chain you to the keyboard so you’ll never ever leave me…

I play around (stop telling everyone)
I play around (it’s nothing to be proud of)
I feel released (I get offers you know)
I play around

And cause we love playing this wonderful show
For these wonderful people out there
S: If I promise you’ll get the applause and the praise
M: As long as you’re happy to give me a raise
Whatever it takes (S: within reason)
I’ll stay around

(If you do it again I’ll chop off your fingers and shove them up your an*s in an oven mit).
Track Name: Lovers At Breakfast
Sitting in the dining room
In a B&B by the sea
There wafts a strange and stale perfume
From the couples next to me
It is the odour of regret
Of duvets left in haste
How easily these fools forget
The nighttime’s honeyed taste
For in the cruel morning light
They’ve nothing left to say
These ardent lovers of the night
Are enemies by day

Here's to bored lovers at breakfast
Silent with coffee and toast
She looks blank, he looks mean
And though once they were keen
They have seen all they want of the coast

Next the spent lovers exhausted
From an evening of far too much booze
She threw up, he passed out
Now her mouth’s like a trout
Cause he’s come down to dine without shoes

You see lovers belong to the nighttime
To dinner and cocktails then sex
After six hours of humping
Their heads are both pumping
The morning is far too complex

See the coy lovers with kippers
They’ve been petting each other all week
She looks flushed, he looks old
And their bed’s getting cold
As they toy with their bubble and squeak

Don’t think that I worry or bother
About their romantic affairs
But you’re in a hotel, why give yourself hell
When you could eat each other upstairs
It’s not that I’m nosey or curious
About their peculiar lives
But in mixed company, you are not quite as free
To lick strawberry jam off your wives…knives

Here’s to rich lovers with bubbly
They never check the price tag
He’s got cash, she wont work
And she thinks he’s a jerk
But she’s far too attached to her jag

Watch the gay lovers at buffet
Smiling between gritted teeth
One is smug, one is not
Cause the waiter is hot
And last night it was him underneath

Foolish lovers belong to the night time
To dinner and cocktails then sex
It's a fair old assumption
Their quest for consumption
Will render them all nervous wrecks

Here’s a lone woman at breakfast
Scratching an old ketchup stain
She’s had tea, she’s had fun
And a boiled egg for one
And it’s not that she’s needy
She’s just a bit greedy
No she’ll never judge them
Or ever begrudge them
Humming her own quiet refrain
She hopes, she prays that, these lovers will come back…again
Track Name: Shut Up
When we first met I thought you were charming
But now I fear I've made a big mistake
You’re handsome and yet, it's oh, so alarming
You’ve got an irritating habit, you're at it like a rabbit
Now part of me is starting to ache

Just shut up, please stop talking
Your constant need to natter isn't cute
Pipe down, stop your squawking
You’re so much more attractive when you're naked and you’re mute

I’m bursting with passion
And I’m ready to pop
But still you whine and witter
Worse than Stephen Fry on Twitter
Please tell me that one-day you'll stop

Shut up, just be quiet
Your verbal diarrhoea makes me sick
Why not try a diet
Of fifty words a fortnight maybe that would do the trick

I want you so badly
But you bore me to tears
Your foreplay is so wordy, your topics far too nerdy
There’s only thing getting hot…it’s my ears, oh

I’ve tried asking nicely
But you won’t shut your gob
You’re stuck at full volume
And I can’t find the knob
Try a sponsored silence, rest your tired old lungs
Let's find a better use for both of our wagging tongues. No?

Then shut up, I’m not impressed
You're using up some valuable air
Just zip it, and get undressed
I stopped listening last September what makes you think I still care?

I’m ready and waiting
So why they delay?
Am I intimidating?
What’s stopping us from mating?
There can’t be much more left to say

Yes the world will be a better place when darling you just shut your face
Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up!
The hind legs off a donkey they are yours for the taking
It doesn't seem to matter if you're sleeping or waking
I've nothing left to give, losing the will to live
Shut up, shut up, shut up
I'll stop talking now
Track Name: Please Don't Hand Me Your Baby
PLEASE DON’T HAND ME YOUR BABY

Please don't hand me your baby
It's great that you love him so much
Don't make me explain
Why it causes me pain
Please, don't make me touch him

Please don't hand me your baby
I know that you’re trying to be nice
I can see he's awake
But it makes my heart ache
Please, don’t ask me twice cause

Your baby is ugly
Your baby is ugly
I hardly know where to begin
Your baby is ugly
Your baby is ugly
Your baby is ugly as sin

Please don't hand me your darling
I promise I won't come around
He's your little prince
But his smile makes me wince
As he gurgles that inhuman sound

Please don't hand me your loved one
I beg you don’t me make use force
He's stolen your youth
And to tell you the truth
I see why you filed for divorce cause

Your baby is ugly
Your baby is ugly
He’s covered in strange baby skin
Your baby is ugly
Your baby is ugly
Your baby is ugly as sin

(Bridge)
And no I am not in denial
I don't look at you with green eyes
There's no need to stand me on trial
Just cause something inside of me dies-when-I-see-your-fat-baby...

Please don't hand me your cutie
The hope for the whole human race
The smell of his bum
Is beginning to hum
But at least it distracts from his face, oh

Please don't hand me your precious
I don't mean to sound so unkind
He’s covered in snot
Put him back in his cot
You must be out of your mind

(Spoken: Wait…was that a smile? For me? Oh)

Your baby is ugly
Your baby is ugly
What’s that strange growth on its chin?
(Michael spoken: it's his face)
Your baby is ugly
Your baby is ugly
Ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly
Ugly, bugly, ugly, bugly
Thank God it isn't a twin.
Track Name: I Fancy Your Father
We went out to dinner the other night 
There was a stranger standing there 
He looked a lot like you but
With a little bit less hair 

He starting flirting with me 
I could see it made you mad
I flirted back but I didn't know that
The stranger was your dad 

I fancy your father 
It's crazy but true 
I fancy your father 
A lot more than you
I know you don't like him
But he's soft underneath 
He's got his own / house 
He's got his own teeth 

Now it's true he is much older
But he has familiar charms 
I found them when he took me 
In his big strong daddy arms 

He said I was too good for you 
I knew I had it bad 
I didn't know what else to do
I had fallen for your dad 

I fancy your father 
No need to be blue 
Cause when I am with him 
I'm thinking of you 
It won't last forever 
We both know it's wrong 
Cause last night he said
He hasn't got long

He can turn me on with nothing but 
His velvety dark voice 
You're my Ford Fiesta
But he is my Rolls Royce 

He said I was the best lay
That he had ever had 
Then he clutched his chest and rolled away
I think I killed your dad 

I fancied your father 
But now he is dead 
I fancied your father 
He's still in my bed 
I hoping you want me 
Though the chances are slim 
With luck when you're older
You'll look just like him

If you can't forgive me  
And you're feeling glum 
You have my permission
To sleep with my mum (to sleep with her mum)
To sleep with my mum (to sleep with her mum)
To sleep with my mum
Track Name: Seasonal Lover
Seasonal Lover

You left me last October
I threw out all your junk
Now I hate you when I'm sober
And I miss you when I'm drunk

You called me in November 
To say you'd got engaged 
I tried hard to remember 
I am forty and not teenaged 

But you made lose my senses 
You made me act so wild 
And though I put up my defenses
I’m hurting like a child

I saw you in the New Year 
With a woman by your side 
I tried to look right through you but
But I had to run and hide 

I lost you as the months passed
From April to July
Had flings I knew would not last
Just another random guy

Yes you made me lose my morals
And though it’s true I had some fun
I miss our fights and quarrels  
And what we won't become 

The seasons are turning
My heartache is burning
But still you keep spurning me
On I keep yearning for you to
Come back
To me
Do it right now, right now, right now

You made me live without you
For the best part of a year 
And though I scream and shout
I can't make you reappear

I will push on through to winter
God I need a brand new start
Thought frost will crack and splinter
The ruins of my heart
My poor old weathered heart

Won’t you come back to me
Do it right now_________
Won’t you come back to me
Do it right now_________
Track Name: Who Do You Want?
S: Hey there - handsome in the front row
There’s one - thing I really want to know
If you had nothing to lose
Which one of us would you choose?

M: Hey there - gorgeous take your best shot
Tell me – do I make you feel red-hot
It’s clear that we both click
Which one of us will you pick?

B: Ooh (S: This is a one horse race - he’s only fit for glue)
B: Ooh (M: Alright, I’ll tell you a thing or two)

M: She’s a control freak
S: He is passive aggressive
His Justin Bieber scrapbook is darkly obsessive
M: She’s always moody
And he’s such a bitch
B: Which one of us do you plan to ditch?

S: He is a weirdo
M: She’s vain and neurotic
I’ve seen her in a onesie and it’s hardly erotic
S: He never washes
M: She’s got a septic tattoo
B: Who, who, who, who, who - do you wanna do?

Bridge:
B: This is the most important decision - you will ever make
S: Are you looking for a crap shag?
M: Or a tawdry sad mistake
B: This is your only chance at happiness so be careful what you say
We want to know__________
Are you straight - or are you gay?

B: Ooh x 7 (M: What if he’s bi? S: I’m not sharing! M: That’s disgusting)
B: Ooh x 7 (S: I don’t want your sloppy seconds M: You should be so lucky)

S: Hey you - sexy looking hot jock
M: I’d like to see you suck my tasty
S: Cocktail, try my canape
B: Which one of us will you lay?

S: Hey you – let’s go back to my place
M: We’ll shower and I’ll unload upon your
S: Faceook page, can we be friends?
B: Tell us please / how this ends?

M: She has a squint
S: His balls are lop-sided
M: When her parents had sex they were sadly misguided
S: Well he is a pervert
M: And she is a slag
B: Which one of us gets a shag?

S: One final thing
Before you decide
You can always flip me over and play the B-Side
M: If that horrifies
I sympathise with you
B: Who, who, who, who, who – do you wanna scr*w?
Track Name: Dear Future Me
Dear Future Me

Dear future me
I’m writing you this letter
To see if things get* better
And if you found the peace and happiness you sought?

Dear future me
I wonder what you're thinking
Did you ease up on the drinking?
Do you ever give your younger self a thought?

Cause I often think about you
And wonder what the future me will do
Will I live up to my ideals and my plans?
And will all of the men I date be worthless dickhead also-rans?

I’d love to know
If you finished Tristram Shandy
Did the arts degree came in handy
Did you get around to learning the trombone?

Can you tell me
Are they still making Big Brother
Did you apologise to your mother
And did they ever make you pay back your student loan?

I want reassurance from you
That there’s a point to all the stupid things I do
Time goes by too fast
No point living in the past
If it’s okay by you I’d like to live each day…like it’s my last

Dear Future me
Were we bombed by North Korea
Did I get to play Medea?
Did the polar ice caps melt into the sea?


Will there ever be a Lib-Dem leader
Did they dis-arm Al Quaida
Is the point of Linked-In still a mystery?
And is there such a thing as…destiny?

Give me faith in what you'll be
Cause I’ve never really had much faith in me
On your success I’ve placed my bets
And I’m taking each chance that I can get so you’ll have no regrets

Dear Future me
I know that you can’t hear me
Yet somehow you feel near me…

Do I really need to worry
Is it worth the endless hurry?
If I have to change then can you tell me how?

If One Direction don’t get back together
And we have totally screwed up the weather
I guess the only time worth living in…is now
Track Name: Mantra
Mantra

There are mantras made to measure for each modern man today
Flogged to us online and on TV
There are apps to tell you how to live, to meditate and pray
And a quiz to score your likeability
Well not for me

I'd like to screw my life up on my own
No need to pay a psychic on a pricey telephone
To tell me I'll go senile or to prophesize
I'd like to think that death might come as some surprise
Let’s improvise

I wish to balls my life up by myself
Though Cosmo tells me without kids I’ll end up left on the shelf
I'm getting it all wrong they say, it time to pull the breaks
But I think life is richer when you make mistakes
For goodness sakes

I prefer my re-la-tion-ships imperfect
No thank you I don’t want to clear the air
Of self-ana-ly-sis I have a surfeit
And if I get aggressive it just shows much I care
I’m a prickly pear

I want to cock my life up flying solo
Please let me lick the knife and eat my very own last Rolo
Though TV hosts and gurus offer me a daily tract
I don’t need Simon Cowell to know how to act
As a matter of fact

I’m tired of Super Nanny, Dr Dawn and Jamie O
I know how clean my house is. I live there, hello!
I don’t need Gok to strip me bare and to tell me how to dress
But if they asked me to do Strictly I’d jump at it I confess

But apart from that, I’ll look back on life and I will say
That it may have been a car crash
But I never bat an eye lash
Cause at least
At least
I lived it my own sweet, foolish,
Stupid, clumsy, careless
Fun filled, full fat
Own
Sweet way