Songs For Cynics

by Roulston & Young

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1.
02:53
I can tell you all the secrets of the original Black Cat And I channel Marlene Dietrich by donning a top hat  My voice has got so manly it couldn't get any lower  And I'm never full dressed without a giant feather boa  All my songs are awfully laboured, played in a gloomy key I devote them to my lovers but I sing them just for me I can fill a room each time I mount my ‘Unknown Divas’ show But the only paying fans are people I already know I'm a cabaret bore  Yes I have to confess  There isn't much more  To me than a little black dress  And my ego  A whole lot of ego I sacrifice myself each night I always die on stage I open up my heart to you but lie about my age After hearing sixteen ballads, you’ll be racing for the door I reinterpret pop-songs, it’s never been done before I'm a cabaret bore  Yes I have to confess  There isn't much more  To me than a little black dress  And my ego Have I mentioned my ego? Gay boys and lonely women  Say my songs help them to cope  Cause if I can make a living  Then Christ anyone has hope (key change) To be a cabaret bore  I will never go away It’s your duty to adore me And to worship what I say About my ego Well what do you know? More than Gary Barlow Is this still the intro? Let’s get on with the show
2.
Let’s not say I love you Let’s not get poetic and gush Let’s not swear to be true Don’t give me that mush Let’s be moody and mysterious No pet names and if you’re serious Cut the bill and coo Let’s not say I love you Let’s not be so polite Let’s not feel we have to play nice Let’s not hold back the spite Live life on thin ice Let’s be cagey and contemptuous Keep romance rough and tempestuous Give me a good fight Let’s not be so polite Don’t write me cheques that your heart cannot cash Or promise tomorrow, it’s gone in a flash Let’s live for today And don’t let minor infidelities get in the way Let’s not share everything Let’s not feel we have to combine Let’s not cosset or cling What’s yours isn’t mine Let’s be vague about our history Hide your exes, keep some mystery Let’s do our own thing Let’s not share everything Instrumental Let’s be carefree, unconventional My love is not two dimensional Just enjoy the fling I don’t need no ring I’m praying to God above Let’s not fit hand in glove Take a rifle and shoot that turtle dove And baby, let’s not fall in love
3.
03:10
There’s a marvellous expression That is often overheard To make a good impression Try this one-size-fits-all word It has thousand helpful uses If you’ve nothing better planned No need to make excuses When you have it close at hand It’s…fine, it’ fine No really, it’s fine Avoid a nasty schism Employ this euphemism Just say… You’re out on a date They’ve texted they’re late But you’re happy to wait Since you’ve already paid for the wine ‘It’s fine’ It’s a quarter to eight You’re getting irate So you order the skate Which arrives over-done at half nine ‘It’s fine’ Now they’re clearing your plate And you’re brimming with hate Where the hell is your mate? You’re still sitting alone in a suit you’ve been wearing since dawn and quite frankly you feel that they’re crossing a line It’s fine It’s fine, it’s fine No really, it’s fine It truly doesn’t matter Just have the seafood platter Just say… When you trip in the street And fall head over feet In some unset concrete And your arse leaves an abstract design It’s fine You rise from your seat Now you’re white as a sheet People laugh and they Tweet And you find you’re a big hit online It’s fine You’re crushed with defeat Turning red as a beet As you bid your retreat The crowd cheer and take photos, it’s not til you’re home that you notice you’re splattered and sprayed like a Roy Lichtenstein It’s fine It’s fine, it’s fine No really, I’m fine I may be bruised and battered But in a way I’m flattered Just say… When you see an old flame And you still feel the same But he can’t place your name As he asks you to meet Caroline It’s fine You are out of the frame And you’re blushing in shame And you want to exclaim ‘Get your hands off you bitch, he’s still mine’ It’s fine You make jokes but they’re lame Then you both play the game Where you try to shift blame About who lost the dog that you raised from a pup til he left like your love when it withered and died on the vine He’s probably fine It’s fine, it’s fine No really, we’re all fine They’re perfect for each other She looks just like his mother We’re all fine It’s just a sweet expression Of my passive aggression Life’s so, we’re both, I’m just – cup of tea anyone? - fine
4.
Remember last November you were busy doing Panto I struck up a conversation with a blonde who sings belle canto And she asked me if I’d like to spend an evening…by her side We played all night She sang Mozart and Puccini, she wore flip-flops and a bikini And in the morning when we finished she said, “thank you”! She held me, took my business card, and we both cried I play around (what?) I play around (Do I know her?) I feel so ashamed (This is so unlike you) But I play around (Well if it just once) At first I was elated, but soon it escalated When she recommended me to all her musical friends And then before I knew it there was a karaoke orgy I sat fingering a bumper book of show tunes (I felt really dirty. But I couldn’t stop) I played for trios and ensembles, and a tribute to The Wombles Orinoco flowed along with the champagne And although I felt unstable when the cash was on the table I felt compelled to do it all again I play around (I can’t believe it) I play around (how many people exactly?) I still feel ashamed (The Wombles?) But I still play around (We’ve got a show to do here) And though we love playing this wonderful show For these wonderful people out there Maybe if you’d shown me that I mattered to you I wouldn’t have looked elsewhere I play around (so it’s my fault now is it?) I play around (after everything I’ve done for you) I feel unclean (I’ve given you the best years of my career) But I still play around (you dirty, dirty, dirty) I didn't mean to hurt you I hope you understand Everybody wants me And it's getting out of hand My diary is bulging I can't take it any more Last week a critic called me ‘An overexposed ubiquitous piano-playing whore’ S: Please don’t cry Michael. It’s ugly. I think you’ve been punished enough Just always use protection, so you don’t get an infection Or pick up filthy habits where you’ve played We can work this out together, after all we’re friends forever Provided you don’t mind not getting paid (what?) Come home Michael, you’re my magic fingered fella Without you I am nothing, I’m just singing a cappella Come home Michael, I need you please believe me I’ll chain you to the keyboard so you’ll never ever leave me… I play around (stop telling everyone) I play around (it’s nothing to be proud of) I feel released (I get offers you know) I play around And cause we love playing this wonderful show For these wonderful people out there S: If I promise you’ll get the applause and the praise M: As long as you’re happy to give me a raise Whatever it takes (S: within reason) I’ll stay around (If you do it again I’ll chop off your fingers and shove them up your an*s in an oven mit).
5.
Sitting in the dining room In a B&B by the sea There wafts a strange and stale perfume From the couples next to me It is the odour of regret Of duvets left in haste How easily these fools forget The nighttime’s honeyed taste For in the cruel morning light They’ve nothing left to say These ardent lovers of the night Are enemies by day Here's to bored lovers at breakfast Silent with coffee and toast She looks blank, he looks mean And though once they were keen They have seen all they want of the coast Next the spent lovers exhausted From an evening of far too much booze She threw up, he passed out Now her mouth’s like a trout Cause he’s come down to dine without shoes You see lovers belong to the nighttime To dinner and cocktails then sex After six hours of humping Their heads are both pumping The morning is far too complex See the coy lovers with kippers They’ve been petting each other all week She looks flushed, he looks old And their bed’s getting cold As they toy with their bubble and squeak Don’t think that I worry or bother About their romantic affairs But you’re in a hotel, why give yourself hell When you could eat each other upstairs It’s not that I’m nosey or curious About their peculiar lives But in mixed company, you are not quite as free To lick strawberry jam off your wives…knives Here’s to rich lovers with bubbly They never check the price tag He’s got cash, she wont work And she thinks he’s a jerk But she’s far too attached to her jag Watch the gay lovers at buffet Smiling between gritted teeth One is smug, one is not Cause the waiter is hot And last night it was him underneath Foolish lovers belong to the night time To dinner and cocktails then sex It's a fair old assumption Their quest for consumption Will render them all nervous wrecks Here’s a lone woman at breakfast Scratching an old ketchup stain She’s had tea, she’s had fun And a boiled egg for one And it’s not that she’s needy She’s just a bit greedy No she’ll never judge them Or ever begrudge them Humming her own quiet refrain She hopes, she prays that, these lovers will come back…again
6.
03:10
When we first met I thought you were charming But now I fear I've made a big mistake You’re handsome and yet, it's oh, so alarming You’ve got an irritating habit, you're at it like a rabbit Now part of me is starting to ache Just shut up, please stop talking Your constant need to natter isn't cute Pipe down, stop your squawking You’re so much more attractive when you're naked and you’re mute I’m bursting with passion And I’m ready to pop But still you whine and witter Worse than Stephen Fry on Twitter Please tell me that one-day you'll stop Shut up, just be quiet Your verbal diarrhoea makes me sick Why not try a diet Of fifty words a fortnight maybe that would do the trick I want you so badly But you bore me to tears Your foreplay is so wordy, your topics far too nerdy There’s only thing getting hot…it’s my ears, oh I’ve tried asking nicely But you won’t shut your gob You’re stuck at full volume And I can’t find the knob Try a sponsored silence, rest your tired old lungs Let's find a better use for both of our wagging tongues. No? Then shut up, I’m not impressed You're using up some valuable air Just zip it, and get undressed I stopped listening last September what makes you think I still care? I’m ready and waiting So why they delay? Am I intimidating? What’s stopping us from mating? There can’t be much more left to say Yes the world will be a better place when darling you just shut your face Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up! The hind legs off a donkey they are yours for the taking It doesn't seem to matter if you're sleeping or waking I've nothing left to give, losing the will to live Shut up, shut up, shut up I'll stop talking now
7.
PLEASE DON’T HAND ME YOUR BABY Please don't hand me your baby It's great that you love him so much Don't make me explain Why it causes me pain Please, don't make me touch him Please don't hand me your baby I know that you’re trying to be nice I can see he's awake But it makes my heart ache Please, don’t ask me twice cause Your baby is ugly Your baby is ugly I hardly know where to begin Your baby is ugly Your baby is ugly Your baby is ugly as sin Please don't hand me your darling I promise I won't come around He's your little prince But his smile makes me wince As he gurgles that inhuman sound Please don't hand me your loved one I beg you don’t me make use force He's stolen your youth And to tell you the truth I see why you filed for divorce cause Your baby is ugly Your baby is ugly He’s covered in strange baby skin Your baby is ugly Your baby is ugly Your baby is ugly as sin (Bridge) And no I am not in denial I don't look at you with green eyes There's no need to stand me on trial Just cause something inside of me dies-when-I-see-your-fat-baby... Please don't hand me your cutie The hope for the whole human race The smell of his bum Is beginning to hum But at least it distracts from his face, oh Please don't hand me your precious I don't mean to sound so unkind He’s covered in snot Put him back in his cot You must be out of your mind (Spoken: Wait…was that a smile? For me? Oh) Your baby is ugly Your baby is ugly What’s that strange growth on its chin? (Michael spoken: it's his face) Your baby is ugly Your baby is ugly Ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly Ugly, bugly, ugly, bugly Thank God it isn't a twin.
8.
We went out to dinner the other night  There was a stranger standing there  He looked a lot like you but With a little bit less hair  He starting flirting with me  I could see it made you mad I flirted back but I didn't know that The stranger was your dad  I fancy your father  It's crazy but true  I fancy your father  A lot more than you I know you don't like him But he's soft underneath  He's got his own / house  He's got his own teeth  Now it's true he is much older But he has familiar charms  I found them when he took me  In his big strong daddy arms  He said I was too good for you  I knew I had it bad  I didn't know what else to do I had fallen for your dad  I fancy your father  No need to be blue  Cause when I am with him  I'm thinking of you  It won't last forever  We both know it's wrong  Cause last night he said He hasn't got long He can turn me on with nothing but  His velvety dark voice  You're my Ford Fiesta But he is my Rolls Royce  He said I was the best lay That he had ever had  Then he clutched his chest and rolled away I think I killed your dad  I fancied your father  But now he is dead  I fancied your father  He's still in my bed  I hoping you want me  Though the chances are slim  With luck when you're older You'll look just like him If you can't forgive me   And you're feeling glum  You have my permission To sleep with my mum (to sleep with her mum) To sleep with my mum (to sleep with her mum) To sleep with my mum
9.
Seasonal Lover You left me last October I threw out all your junk Now I hate you when I'm sober And I miss you when I'm drunk You called me in November  To say you'd got engaged  I tried hard to remember  I am forty and not teenaged  But you made lose my senses  You made me act so wild  And though I put up my defenses I’m hurting like a child I saw you in the New Year  With a woman by your side  I tried to look right through you but But I had to run and hide  I lost you as the months passed From April to July Had flings I knew would not last Just another random guy Yes you made me lose my morals And though it’s true I had some fun I miss our fights and quarrels   And what we won't become  The seasons are turning My heartache is burning But still you keep spurning me On I keep yearning for you to Come back To me Do it right now, right now, right now You made me live without you For the best part of a year  And though I scream and shout I can't make you reappear I will push on through to winter God I need a brand new start Thought frost will crack and splinter The ruins of my heart My poor old weathered heart Won’t you come back to me Do it right now_________ Won’t you come back to me Do it right now_________
10.
S: Hey there - handsome in the front row There’s one - thing I really want to know If you had nothing to lose Which one of us would you choose? M: Hey there - gorgeous take your best shot Tell me – do I make you feel red-hot It’s clear that we both click Which one of us will you pick? B: Ooh (S: This is a one horse race - he’s only fit for glue) B: Ooh (M: Alright, I’ll tell you a thing or two) M: She’s a control freak S: He is passive aggressive His Justin Bieber scrapbook is darkly obsessive M: She’s always moody And he’s such a bitch B: Which one of us do you plan to ditch? S: He is a weirdo M: She’s vain and neurotic I’ve seen her in a onesie and it’s hardly erotic S: He never washes M: She’s got a septic tattoo B: Who, who, who, who, who - do you wanna do? Bridge: B: This is the most important decision - you will ever make S: Are you looking for a crap shag? M: Or a tawdry sad mistake B: This is your only chance at happiness so be careful what you say We want to know__________ Are you straight - or are you gay? B: Ooh x 7 (M: What if he’s bi? S: I’m not sharing! M: That’s disgusting) B: Ooh x 7 (S: I don’t want your sloppy seconds M: You should be so lucky) S: Hey you - sexy looking hot jock M: I’d like to see you suck my tasty S: Cocktail, try my canape B: Which one of us will you lay? S: Hey you – let’s go back to my place M: We’ll shower and I’ll unload upon your S: Faceook page, can we be friends? B: Tell us please / how this ends? M: She has a squint S: His balls are lop-sided M: When her parents had sex they were sadly misguided S: Well he is a pervert M: And she is a slag B: Which one of us gets a shag? S: One final thing Before you decide You can always flip me over and play the B-Side M: If that horrifies I sympathise with you B: Who, who, who, who, who – do you wanna scr*w?
11.
Dear Future Me Dear future me I’m writing you this letter To see if things get* better And if you found the peace and happiness you sought? Dear future me I wonder what you're thinking Did you ease up on the drinking? Do you ever give your younger self a thought? Cause I often think about you And wonder what the future me will do Will I live up to my ideals and my plans? And will all of the men I date be worthless dickhead also-rans? I’d love to know If you finished Tristram Shandy Did the arts degree came in handy Did you get around to learning the trombone? Can you tell me Are they still making Big Brother Did you apologise to your mother And did they ever make you pay back your student loan? I want reassurance from you That there’s a point to all the stupid things I do Time goes by too fast No point living in the past If it’s okay by you I’d like to live each day…like it’s my last Dear Future me Were we bombed by North Korea Did I get to play Medea? Did the polar ice caps melt into the sea? Will there ever be a Lib-Dem leader Did they dis-arm Al Quaida Is the point of Linked-In still a mystery? And is there such a thing as…destiny? Give me faith in what you'll be Cause I’ve never really had much faith in me On your success I’ve placed my bets And I’m taking each chance that I can get so you’ll have no regrets Dear Future me I know that you can’t hear me Yet somehow you feel near me… Do I really need to worry Is it worth the endless hurry? If I have to change then can you tell me how? If One Direction don’t get back together And we have totally screwed up the weather I guess the only time worth living in…is now
12.
02:46
Mantra There are mantras made to measure for each modern man today Flogged to us online and on TV There are apps to tell you how to live, to meditate and pray And a quiz to score your likeability Well not for me I'd like to screw my life up on my own No need to pay a psychic on a pricey telephone To tell me I'll go senile or to prophesize I'd like to think that death might come as some surprise Let’s improvise I wish to balls my life up by myself Though Cosmo tells me without kids I’ll end up left on the shelf I'm getting it all wrong they say, it time to pull the breaks But I think life is richer when you make mistakes For goodness sakes I prefer my re-la-tion-ships imperfect No thank you I don’t want to clear the air Of self-ana-ly-sis I have a surfeit And if I get aggressive it just shows much I care I’m a prickly pear I want to cock my life up flying solo Please let me lick the knife and eat my very own last Rolo Though TV hosts and gurus offer me a daily tract I don’t need Simon Cowell to know how to act As a matter of fact I’m tired of Super Nanny, Dr Dawn and Jamie O I know how clean my house is. I live there, hello! I don’t need Gok to strip me bare and to tell me how to dress But if they asked me to do Strictly I’d jump at it I confess But apart from that, I’ll look back on life and I will say That it may have been a car crash But I never bat an eye lash Cause at least At least I lived it my own sweet, foolish, Stupid, clumsy, careless Fun filled, full fat Own Sweet way

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Comic songs from UK song writing partnership Roulston & Young

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released July 28, 2013

Written & performed by Michael Roulston & Sarah-Louise Young.
Photography & design by Justin David. www.justindavid.co.uk

www.facebook.com/roulstonandyoung

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Michael Roulston UK

Michael Roulston is a composer, accompanist, arranger and actor-musician with a passion for cabaret.

www.michaelroulston.co.uk

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