I can tell you all the secrets of the original Black Cat
And I channel Marlene Dietrich by donning a top hat
My voice has got so manly it couldn't get any lower
And I'm never full dressed without a giant feather boa
All my songs are awfully laboured, played in a gloomy key
I devote them to my lovers but I sing them just for me
I can fill a room each time I mount my ‘Unknown Divas’ show
But the only paying fans are people I already know
I'm a cabaret bore
Yes I have to confess
There isn't much more
To me than a little black dress
And my ego
A whole lot of ego
I sacrifice myself each night I always die on stage
I open up my heart to you but lie about my age
After hearing sixteen ballads, you’ll be racing for the door
I reinterpret pop-songs, it’s never been done before
I'm a cabaret bore
Yes I have to confess
There isn't much more
To me than a little black dress
And my ego
Have I mentioned my ego?
Gay boys and lonely women
Say my songs help them to cope
Cause if I can make a living
Then Christ anyone has hope (key change)
To be a cabaret bore
I will never go away
It’s your duty to adore me
And to worship what I say
About my ego
Well what do you know?
More than Gary Barlow
Is this still the intro?
Let’s get on with the show